The Turks Who Say Ni!
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Monty Python anybody? Find out just how annoying the Turks can really be!


Author's Note: Anybody watched 'Monty Python And The Holy Grail'? This should sound very familiar if you have. Here are some of the scenes from the game that the Turks appear in (one I've actually made up). But with some slight changes…..*giggles*……well, I don't remember the exact dialog so please forgive me.

**_The Turks Who Say Ni!_**

**__**

**_By Charles Xavier_**

The Flower Girl

"Oh, no!" Aeris cried when she saw Reno.

"What?" Cloud turned his head to see his answer. "Who are you?"  
  


"Ni!"

"YAAA!!!!" Cloud and Aeris their ears.

"I am Reno of the Turks who say Ni. I'm here on official business in search for that girl behind you. If you do not give her to me……Ni!"

"Don't say that!" Cloud protected Aeris.

"Hand me the girl, or I will say Ni again to you."

Cloud rushed to the back of the church, holding Aeris with him.

The Pillar Assault

"Quick, Cloud!" Shouted Tifa. "That person's about to activate the self-destruct system!"

"I've seen this guy before….." Cloud took out his buster sword "Let me take of him!"

"I've got ya back!" Barret aimed his gun at his enemy.

"Ni!"

"AAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Cloud dropped his sword and fell to his knees.

"Ni!"

"GAA!!!" Barret's aim was put off as he covered his ears.

"Ni!"

"OOH! That sound!" Tifa couldn't stand that word.

"Heh, heh." Reno pushed the button on the pillar generator. "That was easy."

"Oh, no you don't!"

Reno turned around to see Cloud, grouped up with Tifa and Barret on his sides.

"Really." Reno shrugged his shoulders. "Ni!"

"NOOO!!!!!!!!!"

The trio backed away, while Reno flew the coop.

"Oh, no! Look!" Tifa pointed to the chopper not far away. There stood another Turk, with Aeris kneeling beside him.

"Greetings." The stranger said. "My name is Tseng. I just happened to bump into your little friend here form downstairs."

"Cloud! Don't worry about me! I'll be fine!" Aeris cried.

"Ni!"

"EEEEEK!!!!!!!" Aeris blocked her hearing aids.

"Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"

"Leave her alone!" Cloud stormed.

"Ni!"

"Yikes!" He jumped back.

"Well, can't talk any longer. See you later!" Tseng waved goodbye and the chopper flew away.

Caught!

"Take these criminals away!" President Shinra ordered.

"Why you!" Barret struggled with the cuffs in his hands. "I'll give you a little piece of my respect!"

"Ni!" Reno and Rude shouted.

"RAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" Barret roared. "Damn you Turks!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"AARGH!!!!!!!!" Barret was cornered by the Turks. He slowly slipped down the wall as he took more punishment and sat on his butt until….

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

Barret couldn't resist and longer and fell unconscious. He was taken away to his cell.

Brave Miss Yuffie

Somewhere outside Wutai, deep in the green forests, Yuffie Kisaragi was Materia hunting, riding on her Chocobo along with her companions….well, sort of.

Gorki and Checkhov were dancing behind Yuffie, playing flutes. Shake was in front banging a drum repeatedly while Staniv skipped with Yuffie, singing with the rhythm of the music from behind.

**_Staniv_****_:_**

****

**_Bravely bold Miss Yuffie,_**

**_Rode forth from Wutai._****__**

**_She was not afraid to die,_**

**_O brave Miss Yuffie!_**

**_She was not at all afraid_**

**_To be killed in nasty ways._**

**_Brave, brave, brave, brave Miss Yuffie!_**

****

**_She was not in the least bit scared _**

**_To be mashed into a pulp,_**

**_Or to have her eyes gouged out,_**

**_And her elbows broken,_**

**_Her kneecaps being split,_**

**_And her body burned away,_**

**_And her limbs all hacked and mangled,_**

**_Brave Miss Yuffie!_**

****

**_Her head smashed in,_**

**_And her heart cut out,_**

**_And her liver removed,_**

**_And her bowels unplugged,_**

**_And her nostrils raped,_**

**_And her bottom burned off,_**

**_And her vagina torn…_****__**

****

"Um, I think that'll be enough singing for now, guys." Yuffie interrupted.

As the five went further on through the forest, the ninja girl sensed that they were being followed. Every so often Yuffie glanced sideways to see people dressed in black suits walk into the shadows of the leaves. The sightings increased by the minute, Yuffie thought she was going crazy and wanted to scream. But then, she bumped into a stern looking man with long black hair….

"Ni!" Tseng shouted.

"Ni!" Rude jumped from behind.

"Ni!" Reno popped his head open from the bushes from the left.

"Ni!" Elena ran out of the shadows from the right.

"AAA!!!" Yuffie covered her ears. "Who are you?"

"Greetings, daughter of Godo Kisaragi!" Tseng said. "We are the Turks who say….Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"PLEASE! DON'T SAY THAT ANYMORE!" Yuffie cried in agony. She almost fell off her Chocobo. "I'll do anything! What do you want?"

"The Turks who say Ni come with a message from the President of Shinra. We want…." Tseng rolled his eyes sideways. "…..a shrubbery!"

"A WHAT?!?!?!?!" Yuffie frowned.

"Ni!"

"NO!"

"Ni!"

"STOP!"

"Ni!"

"PLEASE!"

"Ni!"

"ALRIGHT!"

Tseng ordered the Turks to stop.

"We will say Ni again to you, if you do not cooperate." Tseng crossed his arms. "And don't try leaving these woods alive. We can shoot you at point blank range. We've got the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a……um….er…..oh hell, we'll shoot you anyway if you try to escape."

"Fine, fine." Yuffie sighed. "We'll find you a shrubbery. But……..oh my gosh! Look up there! There's Aslan the Lion!"

The Turks looked up.

Nothing.

They looked down again to find Yuffie and her friends gone.

"She ran away." Elena said.

"So she did, that little bitch." Tseng snorted.

**_Staniv_****_:_**

****

**_Brave Miss Yuffie ran away!_**

**_Bravely ran away, away!_**

****

"I didn't!" Cried Yuffie in denial.

**_Staniv_****_:_**

****

**_When danger reared its ugly head,_**

**_She bravely turned her tail and fled._**

**_Yes, brave Miss Yuffie turned about_**

**_And gallantly she chickened out._**

****

"That a lie! All lies!"

**_Staniv_****_:_**

****

**_Bravely taking to her feet,_**

**_She beat a very brave retreat,_**

**_Bravest of the brave, Miss Yuffie!_**

****

"SHUT UP!"

GongagaVillage

"They're here! They're really here!" Elena spotted Cloud and his gang.

"You guys ready?" Cloud asked. Everyone nodded. "On the count of three, we attack them all at the same time. One…two…THREE!"

They charged out of the grass and went screaming at the Turks.

"Ni!" The Turks shouted.

Cloud's group came to a halt and their weapons fell to the ground, as their hands were too busy, once again protecting their precious ears.

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"They're too strong!" Tifa shouted.

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"We can't fight them!" Red XIII roared.

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Yuffie shrieked.

AVALANCHE fled the scene with crying voices.

"Well, that takes care of that." Reno brushed his hands. "Now, what were talking about?"

"I think we were talking about the time you almost mistaken Tseng as a girl, Reno." Rude replied.

"Oh, yeah!" Reno snapped his fingers. "Well, anyway, there I was….."

ShinraMansion

"Noo!"

"Excuse me?" Cloud raised his brow to the man from the coffin.

"Noo!"

"Um, do you speak English?" Yuffie asked.

"Parlez-vous anglais? Habla-usted ingles?" Cait Sith tried to communicate.

"Go away." Vincent Valentine said. "Let me sleep in peace. I don't know why you people aren't scared when I say Noo."

"Oh, don't you mean….." Tifa covered Yuffie's mouth.

"SHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"He must have forgotten how to say that word properly if he's been down here for years." Barret whispered to Cloud.

Wutai

Don Corneo was about to have his last life thread cut, as he hung from the high mountains of Wutai.

"Hey, Don." Reno knelt to the fat man. "This place sure has a Ni-t view!"

"No! Please!" Don broke a sweat.

"I really Ni-d a personal favor from you, my friend."

"No more!"

"Would you mind sending all your Ni-t girls to my place? I really Ni-d them so much!"

"Help!"

"I'll do anything, Don! I'll even beg on my very NI-S!"

Don Corneo took his hands off the cliff and fell to his death.

"What do you think of that, Rude?" Rude lightly applauded.

The Temple Of The Ancients

"Stay away from me!" Tseng scowled, holding the small object to himself. "The Keystone's mine. You understand? The Keystone's mine!"

"Tseng." Cloud said calmly. "Try to settle down."

"If any of you come any closer, I'll say Ni."

"Okay, Cid." Cloud looked back. "Get the tape out."

***

"MMPHMPHMPMHPMHM!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tseng couldn't say anything behind the strong piece of tape stuck to his mouth.

"Well, that'll shut him up." Cid wiped his hands together.

Icicle Inn

"That's the last straw, Cloud!" Elena cried. "I'll get you for what you did to Tseng!"

"N…" Before she could Ni, Tifa took out her can of pepper spray and used it on Elena. "ACK! I can't see!"

She staggered around until she happened to slip down and roll out of town.

"WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"We're coming!" The Shinra soldiers followed Elena.

"I was wondering if this stuff ever worked." Tifa said, looking at her weapon.

Crashed Gelnika

"Look, Rude! Cloud's here again!" Reno pointed out. "Quick!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

Barret stepped out, wearing a pair of pink bunny eared head phones, and pointed his gun at the Turks.

"HA! HA! The joke's on you!" Barret laughed. "Eat this! You bastards!"

The Turks dodged Barret's bullets and left.

The First Man In Space

"Oh, drat!" Rude's Attack Squad were pulverized by Tifa in seconds. "Time to use the power of the N…"

"Oh, put a sock in it!" Tifa shoved one of her socks into Rude's mouth. "That'll teach you not to say Ni ever again."

Return To Midgar

"We're back!" Elena shouted down the tunnel.

AVALANCHE turned round to face the three Turks.

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"AH!" Cloud fell backwards from the impact of their voices.

"This is for that pepper spray in my eyes, Tifa, Ni!" Elena said.

"And this is for that sock you shoved in my mouth back in Rocket Town, Ni!" Added Rude.

"AAAAAA!!!!!" Tifa shrieked.

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Ni!"

"Do your worse!" Vincent shouted.

"Very well." Reno grinned. "Ni!"

"PLEASE STOP!" Red howled.

"Ni!"

"SHUT THE *@!# UP!" Cid exclaimed.

"Ni!"

"THE HORROR! THE PAIN!" Barret moaned.

"Ni!"

"NO MORE! MERCY!" Cait Sith screeched.

"Ni!"

"DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER GET TIRED OF IT?!?!?!?" Yuffie finally said.

"AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" The Turks shut their ears and recoiled back in horror.

"Don't say that!" Squeaked Elena.

"What?" Yuffie scratched her head. "What did I say?"

"What you said just a second ago." Said Reno.

"None of us can utter the word that the Turks of Ni cannot hear!" Rude said.

"Well, how can you not say the word if you don't tell me what it is?"

Yuffie said the word again.

"AAAA!!!!!" The Turks cried in fear.

"What, the word 'is'?" Yuffie asked.

"No! No! Not 'is'!" Elena said dismissively.

"We wouldn't get any far in life without saying 'is'!" Reno said.

"What is it, then?" Yuffie put her hands to her waist.

"AAAA!!!!! THE WORD!!!!" Rude stepped back.

"Okay, this is getting really out of hand." Said Yuffie. "It can't be that bad."

"NOOOO!!!! NOT AGAIN!" Reno shouted.

"What is it, Yuffie?" Said Tifa.

"She said the word!"

"Oh, these guys are just scared of some word I don't even know. Can you think of it?"

"She said the word again!"

"Hm. I'm thinking of it" Tifa replied.

"Stop saying the word!"

"What's the matter?" Cloud said as the other recovered from their attacks.

"There's some word the Turks don't like and we're trying to find out. They won't tell us anything. It's almost humiliating." Tifa answered.

"UURRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

"I agree, it does seem embarrassing seeing the Turks act like this." Said Cait.

"They're all saying the word!"

"It's a real shame." Said Red XIII

"STOP!!"

"Hmm...it's got me stuck." Cid shrugged.

"OOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!"

"It makes me wonder." Vincent thought. "It sounds like something I've loathed hearing before, but now, whenever I hear that sound, it's perfect with me."

"He said it three times!"

"Any other answers for it?" Cloud asked. All shook their heads. "I'm completely clueless." Cloud said.

"PLEASE!!!!! STOP SAYING THE WORD!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, can't you see we're busy?" Said Yuffie. "KNOCK IT OFF!"

"RETREAT!" Reno cried.

"RUN AWAY!" Elena screamed.

The Turks ran down the tunnel, away from AVALANCHE, who were just plain confused.

"THEY ALL SAID IT…..AH! I SAID IT!......OH! I SAID IT AGAIN!" Rude shouted.

"STOP SAYING IT!" Reno interrupted.

"NOW YOU SAID IT!" Elena disturbed him.

"WE'RE ALL SAYING IT!!!!!!!!!" Rude finshed.

Their voices dimmed away in the shadows.

"What silly people." Yuffie folded her arms.

Author's Note: Apologies for any errors.

E-mail: charlesxavier85@hotmail.com .


End file.
